New Semester Panic

I can feel my stomach curdling.  The sour, dizzy smell of panic exudes from my own skin, and the worst part is, I’m not exaggerating.

Why does the very thought of an extra class fill me with dread? 

I was excited for this semester.  Every one of my classes are in topics that I find interesting.  I would probably study them eventually on my own time.  Eventually is right.  How often do I actually stop to read the classics and philosophy treatises? Not often. Rarely will I ever sit down with a book to read.  I am too busy.  Often, ironically, with school.

I feel trapped.  Locked in with no escape.  From what? Is it the work and effort required?

I think it is the commitment.  Ironic that I struggle so much with that.

Every class is a bundle of responsibility which I must commit to carry.  Registering for classes is akin to standing on the beginning of a ski-run in the moment before plunging over the edge.  The trouble is that it is skiing with a tow rope. Rather than gliding effortlessly down the slopes and enjoying the speed and the wind and the silence, I roll and bump and bash my way from rock to bush to bramble with a rope around my neck pulling me ever onward.  There is never a chance to get to my feet and fly.

Every class adds to the weight of panic.

I do not think this feeling is limited to school.  I contemplate other commitments (careers of various kinds et cetera ad infinitum) and the panic is the same.  I feel overwhelmed and grossly inadequate.  I feel offended by the challenge that dares to make me feel small and resigned to the bumping and the bruising.

All education is pain.  We come to understand pain as a gourmet understands food.  These pains produce these strengths. Those, others.  Each has a subtle character and distinct attributes. No two pains are exactly equal.  In the strain of exercise there is sweat and the tension of tearing flesh. Then the ache of rebuilding what was lost, stronger, denser, more complete.  The old is torn and bent and broken, and the resilient emerges as strength is created.  

What ought I to do?  This question is never easy to answer.  I believe that I must prepare now to endure later.  These thoughts now will serve to remind me that there is nothing good which does not require sacrifice.  I am ready to become stronger.  I am ready for pain.